The journey.

A while ago, I wrote a blog about my dream. How I would sit at the Californian coast, and write and make illustrations for a living. And how this would make me happy. This, in my dream would be called ultimate happiness.

After submitting several manuscripts and getting rejected all the time, I decided to learn about that what I was actually doing. In my dream everything goes smooth ofcourse, but reality shows something different. I connected with some great artists here in San Francisco who slowly opened my eyes about what the business actually means. Cause yeah, its business. I became a member of the SCBWI, which is the society of childrens book writers & illustrators and gives you great tips if you wanna enter the field, or if you are already in. The fact that the business needs a society like this should have scared me, but it didnt. With good hopes I opened the book that they sent me. The essential guide to publishing for children.

Half way through, I closed the book. What was I actually doing. What was I actually seeking. My dream was to publish something, but, actually, why? For fame? For status? For money? Does it justify what I do, if I earn something with it? Am I only allowed to call myself a writer or an illustrator once I’ve published something? And do I really have to give myself a title like that? Because calling myself a staying at home mom doesnt sound so cool? I thought it would made me happy to have published something, to see my books in the bookstore, and sure, once that happens, I will feel some euforie. But for how long will that last?

Do I really wanna join critic groups with great artist which will make me feel so small? Do I really wanna lobby till I die, spend all my time sending manuscripts, modify them for publishers and rewrite over and over? I don’t. Im not seeking fame. I’m not seeking wealth. Im seeking happiness. And thats what I feel when I’ve created something that I like. Thats it! It’s that simple. So I’ve stopped the journey. I continue writing and drawing, cause it fulfills me. And what comes that comes. If I see a project that I like, I might try to join. If I write something that I think is good enough to be published, I might give it a try. And if Sesame street happens to like me stuff, so be it. But I’ve realized I live my dream already. I’m happy.